I have been gone on a long journey for the past eight months. This is the first new post to this blog since December of 2017.
Just like Commander Kirk and the crew of the Starship Enterprise, I have traveled through time. TIME! I have visited the past and the future. Many dream of the ability to travel through time. I have accomplished it. I found that we all have the ability to travel through time. I have also discovered that you should be careful what you wish for. Time travel isn’t what one thinks.
Several things contributed to my departure from the here and now. I lost my father last November. I didn’t realize how traumatic his loss would be to my future. My son is autistic and a handful to parent. The demands of raising him are immediate and never-ending. Business has been challenging recovering from three years of recession. For the first time in my career I can say work wasn’t fun. My problems are not unique. Many others have far greater challenges in their lives. The key is how you deal with the challenges.
My life, day in and day out could be described as turmoil. At home, with my son was (and still is) exhausting. My wife and I have to be on top of him 24-7. 5 minutes out of sight could bring unimaginable results. It never stops. He has enough energy to power New York. His mind is constantly driving him to new adventures that usually result in work for my wife and myself. He is constantly taking apart, moving and revising everything. It is liking riding a carousel that never stops. I feel like I am in the movie “Ground Hog Day” and can’t find the solution to move forward.
At work it is one challenge after another. Trying to recover from a bad financial situation caused by the recession. You address one thing and start to feel like you are making progress just to be faced with a different challenge. As we muddle through the financial issues we have new work coming in at a fever pace (a problem every business would like to have). The problem is we can’t get all the work out on time. After three years of depressed sales it is challenging to gear back up to handle the volume. All of it leads to constant challenges and frustrations. I spend my day reacting to crisis after crisis.
I am an only child. I had no brothers or sisters to share my parents attention. I am very close to both of them. My father was my role model in almost every aspect of my life. I didn’t have the list of things my parents did that I would never do. Dad and I are very similar. Anyone who knew us both commented on it. My standard in my life was my father, as a husband, a parent and in work ethic. He was my rock. Someone I knew I could always turn to. He was also my friend. I loved the time that he and I hung out together. To say he is a positive influence in my life would be a great understatement.
I was trying to find how to move forward with a big part of my daily life missing, while dealing with turmoil at work and home. I felt trapped with nowhere to turn.
My Answer? Time Travel.
I journeyed back in the past with my father. I turned back the clock and dwelled on what the world was like with Dad in it. I flipped back the calendar pages to hear his voice. Nothing significant just every day life with him. Time sitting back with dad as my wife and mom are deep in conversation, each of us half paying attention and throwing in the occasional smart ass remark. It was the way life was supposed to be yet it was something that would no longer be. Instead of looking for what life was supposed to be without him, I preferred to go back and visit the way life was.
With work and my son I journeyed into the future. What if “this” happens? How re going to handle “that” if it happens? I spent all of my time worrying about things that hadn’t happened and most likely would never happen. I envisioned things at their worst and how it would impact my life. I gave up on working to make things better and accepted how they were and saw a future that was beyond my control.
Their was no positive outlook or passion for life. There was only lament over a past that would never be again and worry over a future that would probably never develop. This is what is clinically called depression. I was so lost in the past and the future that I lost my contact with everything the present had to offer. My wife said I had become someone different and she wanted her “Toddy” back. I had left on a journey that no one could join me. Everyone was asking if I was “okay”. They all realized Todd had left. I was in places at the far edges of time and I couldn’t find my way back.
I needed help.
I decided to see a psychiatrist I knew. He understood my current situation and what my life was like. He told me that I was not unique. Several people traveled the same journey I was on without knowing the way back. He said he could help me get back. Through the wonderful world of chemistry he prescribe me Zoloft. The doctor said it would just take the edges off and help me find my way back to my home in the present.
IT WORKED! I’M BACK!
I’m home and enjoying the now and the incredible life I have. I am appreciating all of the things life has blessed me with and enjoying what is in front of me, here and now. I have my sense of humor back (which many probably never missed). I remember how to appreciate the little things. I am enjoying time with this fantastic kid who is my son. I am having fun with my wife. I love my job and have fun making things happen. I am appreciating that I still have my mom and figuring how to move forward without dad physically here with me.
I have taken back “control” over my life, as much as I can. I can smile at warm memories of my dad as part of the here and now. I look at the possibilities both positive and negative for the future and use them to shape the present without jumping to conclusion and worrying about that which has not happened yet. I am back from my journey with a new appreciation for the moment I am in.
My wife has her Toddy back.